Shades
by JouChan13
Summary: A look into Kenshin’s mental collapse and the thoughts that plagued him during his time in Rakuminmura. Oneshot, angst. Hints of Battousai and slight dementia. Can be considered slighty AU.


Usual disclaimer: All characters belong to the rightful owner Nobuhiro Watsuki. FF is non-profit, meant for entertainment only and can be archived anywhere, just let me know where. 

A/N: This is my second one-shot and much like last time, I wanted to try something new, angsty of course because I seem to thrive in that but the story sort of calls for it. This takes place during Kenshin's time in Rakuminmura. It's dark, hints of a Battousai/ Kaoru relationship as well as a tiny bit of fluff, in the beginning if you kind of squint and tilt your head. Please be warned, it's _angst_.

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Shades

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There are shades of blue and lavender that catch his eye as they move through the market; shades of red and gold that make him just the tiniest bit uneasy so when she stops he almost runs into her but she seems not to notice. Eyes like a darkened sky focus on a garment, caressing the material between her fingers in way that makes him catch his breath. He thinks—she wants—and he has to take a step back immediately as he realizes he is _not_ in complete control of himself.

Flaming shades of red and silver blue arcs he can understand, dark shades of red and gold he cannot. At least, he thinks he does not, so its vermilion and honey strewn he decides, whatever the color, he must look away. He needs to look away before comprehension finds its way. Ignorance is bliss, particularly for him. And as far as he's concerned, that's the only way to live. There are things he rather not know.

"Kenshin?"

He blinks only once, tilting his head in rurouni fashion before he smiles with all the ease he can muster. "Hai Kaoru-dono?"

She looks at him warily, eyes narrowed slightly as her lips form a pout. She hates being called Kaoru-dono but he cannot bear to call her anything else. "Kaoru-dono?"

"I wanted to buy a new Kimono. Do you think the red is too… colorful?"

He nods his head before he can realize what he's going. He's supposed to be saying no. Shaking his head from side to side not up and down as he just did but something has come over him; his heart is beating too fast. There is burning behind his eyes and he thinks he feels cold.

"Do you like it?"

"Aa," he murmurs, looking in her direction a fraction of a moment before he turns away, breaking into a cold sweat suddenly as if he's not feeling well at all.

"I'll take it too," she says, wondering a little closer to his side as she waits for it to be wrapped up.

He hates red. He wishes she had picked a blue. Blue soothes him like no other color can. He loves blue. He thinks he has loved blue since he first laid eyes upon it.

"Are you feeling all right Kenshin?"

He nods and smiles, turning his eyes downward after a second as he realizes she's still watching him. She watches him a lot lately.

"Kaoru-dono?"

"I'm here," she says, grasping his arm gently before letting go. "I'm always going to be _right _here." She says, it's cryptic and he thinks he ought to know what she means but it doesn't seem that important just then so he lets it go.

He nods instead, not quite looking up because he knows how she is—and _he does_ know. He watches her too. The admission however makes him fume in silence. There is always a good reason for his anger; he's just so unusually good at hiding it he neglects things in passing. He gets angrier at not being able to control it.

"Sessha knows," he murmurs, remaining as still as he can and refusing to show discomfort. He does not know what it is about the day but he's not feeling very well. One blow to the head should not make him feel this way, no matter how long he's been asleep.

"Do you…"

"NO," he interrupts. "Sessha does not need to see Dr. Genzai. Sessha's fine," he assured, voice gentler than at first. "Sessha is fine, Kaoru-dono please do not worry."

She nods but he can tell she's unhappy.

His sigh turns inward as he quietly waits by her side, watching her take her package with gentle hands and smiling eyes. He thinks she is kind, though more so when there are friends involved, this time is no different as she smiles at her friend, gently taking her new kimono before enfolding it within her arms.

They leave the shop as they have, many times before but there is a difference, something he had not noticed until now—Kaoru is older and beautiful and so close to his arm, her hand brushes his as they walk.

He stops in the middle of the road, watching her turn around. "Kenshin?" He knows what's going to happen now. This has been happening for sometime. He has to move, he has to do it now, or things will shift before he can change them.

"Sessha…," he has to say it.

"Kenshin?"

"Sessha loves Kaoru-dono."

"Kenshin?" She can't hear him anymore. He knows this by the way her head tilts to the side, confusion marring her dark eyes.

"Don't leave." He says, afraid as she turns her head back a little over her shoulder.

"Yahiko is calling me?"

"Don't leave." He says again, not beyond begging her. "I don't want you to leave."

"Kenshin," she smiles and stretches her hand. "Come," she murmurs before continuing down the road, fading into the distance as she leaves him all alone. Heart broken and tear stained until he slowly trails behind, trying to reach the darkness that swallowed her up and find her even without his sight.

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Its pitch black when he comes awake, the stars are hidden from his eyes and there is no moon in his light of sight, but he little cares for such details just then. It been a lifetime since he saw the sun but he wishes nothing other than continued darkness.

Sometimes when he cannot stand to be alone, he dreams of setting out, of finding the man who took Kaoru from him and making him pay with tears and slivers of flesh but he finds he can no longer move. Still he dreams and sometimes when he's very still he thinks he can go back. Sometimes, as he drifts off, he finds he is no more her rurouni than she is… was his Kaoru-dono.

There are times when he thinks he cannot forgive her for dying so easily. These thoughts follow him in sleep and different scenarios play out before him. There he thinks he can forgive her if she died trying to escape, but he will not forgive her if it meant she gave herself to someone else. He thinks he rather see her dead. Kaoru is his. And if he had not been distracted, if he had not bee so slow that day, Enishi would be dead. Kaoru would be by his side and anyone else who threatens her would meet their end.

There are splashes of red on his gi. Sometimes, when he cares enough to look and his eyes try to turn gold, he thinks he can feel the heat of an approaching ki. He thinks fighting won't be problem; there is time for him to stand. He thinks there is time to fix the folds in his darkened gi and that this wont be the same as before because he now has nothing left to loose. He is not the same…

There was so much blood—he thinks he will never close his eyes again. He hates Enishi, the way he pined her to the wall… He will never forgive anyone again. He thinks, given the chance to do it over once again, he would allow no one to survive. Kaoru is lost because of him. He needs to sleep so she will come to him. He likes it better when she screams. He can see her anger and her frustrations, and that's best when wants to reminisce. He does not like to think of her broken and hurt, though there are dreams like that too.

Battousai is strong there. He hunts her offenders instinctively, tearing them to shreds before turning on Kaoru. Taking her apart in different ways, graphic ways that remind Kenshin he is alive when he wakes up. He is just as broken and hurt as she appears to him in those dreams but he thinks together, they could heal.

"Himura…"

Kenshin opens his eyes. The girl before looks familiar, her dark hair and large blue eyes a reminder of Kaoru, so much like Kaoru's in fact that he has to close his eyes.

"Himura… What are you doing? Get up, Himura! We're taking revenge for Kaoru!"

His head sinks like it's weighted. He does not know what to do. He is not the same man anymore. Everyone must realize this. Kaoru would realize it… but there is nothing anyone can do.

He needs to be left alone so he can be alone with her. She waits for him, he is sure; Kaoru waits for him because she loves him too. She will love him no matter what. He doesn't think she will care if he lets himself die. Kaoru would love him even as Battousai.

"…Battousai."

He turns, eyes opening to find the others gone. Oiborne settles down besides him, talking; saying words that can't quite reach him. Kenshin's focus is on the waning light and he thinks this is good. He's tired. He needs rest and Kaoru waits for him beyond this place so he must hurry. She hates it when he's late.

Oiborne gives up with a sigh, leaving Kenshin alone as he already begins to drift. A slight sheen of gold hidden behind closing make him pause as Kenshin slumps against a beam. A mess of dark hair falling at his side as he immediately begins a dream. Finding solace in a world of different shades and shadows, he slays to keep his Kaoru.

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I felt a need for a one-shot. This was angsty, I know but I was feeling particularly frustrated when I first wrote it. It's been sitting in my hard drive for quite a while now, and today as I decided to update, I felt it baiting me. I usually don't do plain Kenshin, seeing as I much prefer Battousai but this particular mind set ought to help me update another story in which he is not doing too well. I wonder if you can guess which one I mean?

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Anyways, I hope you guys liked it. It was originally Battousai going on a killing spree after some home invaders took Kaoru from him but I think I like it best as it turned out. Kenshin's mindset has always fascinated me. Particularly during this period in his life when his thoughts seem almost fragmented. I think, he wondered a lot, immersing himself in what if's as dark thoughts plagued his waking thoughts. Well, it's what I think anyways. I do tend to spend a little too much time on his metal health, so I might be over thinking it. Either way, drop me a line. I miss my readers. lol


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